Some of you think I’m a moron
With nothing but space in my head.
Some of you think I’m senile,
Like most of my brain cells are dead.
Some of you think I’m angry,
Vindictive and filled with spite.
Some of you think I’m a bully,
But none of you punks are right.

I’m an asshole.
A spoiled obnoxious brat.
I’m an asshole.
An accomplished one at that.
I’m an asshole,
As vulgar as I’m loud.
I don’t care what the world may say,
I’m an asshole and I’m proud.

Some of you think I’m a sadist
Who enjoys being cruel and mean.
Some of you think I’m the craziest fuck
This nation has ever seen.
Some of you think I’m conceited,
Like the world revolves around me.
Like I’m some kind of immortal god,
And I don’t disagree, but

I’m an asshole.
Got no heart but not no spleen.
I’m an asshole.
I’m the pinnacle, the dean
Of all assholes
In the global asshole crowd.
Say it ain’t true, I fart on you.
I’m an asshole and I’m proud.

If you think that I was born this way,
My little friend, you’re wrong.
It took a lot of practice.
The hours and days were long.
And I practice any time or place,
On anyone I can.
So I’m greatest asshole.
In the history of man.
Some of you think I’m an aberration,
Destined to disappear.
Some of you I’m heaven-sent,
Ecstatic because I’m here.
I like the second group I because
Believing in me, you’re blessed.
I invite you to sing along with me.
To hell with the goddam rest.

I’m an asshole!
And I’m thrilled with what I’ve done.
I’m an asshole!
And I’ve only just begun.
You can hate me
For what I am, will be, or was.
I’m an asshole,
Doing what an asshole does.